Hhhmm.. since I know my Melanoma metastasis and recurrent, I havent drop even 1 tear.. why? Am i weird? or what? Am i denial? Am i abnormal? I guess so.. I dont know. I just dont want to think about it. I know God had given me more strength to move on this life. The main reason why I dont cry is: I had mentally prepare and if i cry.. that is useless and cant change the situation. Eventhough if i dont get through... I will still be ready and I know... God is there for me... What i need now is .. to go through each treatment and Pray.. and mentally ready for the next fight.
Thank God.. my Bf had been so supportive in term of psychological and mentally although he is far now. It doesn;t really matter coz he had showed me His real person... which is not easy. I know that he is sad and he cried for me but I wil just always smile to him and never drop my tears again in front of him. I just pray that God will open and show him the right way and path..
Thank God too I havent got married till now or having any children. But I promised if I cure.. I will married in 2014... that is my promised to myself. In order to do that.. I need to fight till the end... and live my life with joy....." sadness.. hopeless and depressed is not a solution!!!!!!" and it only worsen situation.......
It had been long I havent put up my own ideas and thoughts and especially my own genuine feelings to this blog. I had my Surgery done twice in 2009 (No: 2 and 3). And it cure very well. I had regular appointment and never missed to see my Surgeon and the Oncologist since then. I had several CT scan done for survellaince for this 5 years before I can be categories as FREE from my Malignant Melanoma. I had my routine blood check up and everything was just fine. I am happy with my life.
Things had changed a bit since last Sunday [1st April 2012]; it's APRILFOOL day... my Left Lymph Node swell up... This is the first time in my life that my lymph node swell up very big and very painful. I took the Brufen but with no effects at all. Monday Morning I went to see my nearby doctor, she had prescribed me with antibiotic and Brufen again. I took it with NO effect at all also. No reduced of swelling size in fact the swelling become bigger and pain me more. Tuesday.. also the same. Tuesday afternoon, my mom decided to use the SOURSOP and boiled it in 3 cup of water to make it into 1 cup MIX with chinese red sugar/ glucose. After 3 hour.. i can move my shoulder a bit and less pain. That day alone, i drank for 2 glass. The next day i wake up.. the lump had really reduced to half of its size.. WOW. it's so amazing although the pain and lump still there.
Today.. I go to see the surgeon after refix my appoinment. The surgeon said.. it is big and SCARRY! i told him.. it is even bigger than this on Monday. I showed him my last CT scan result which show 1.4 to 2.4 cm lymph node swelling in the left axillary. He called up the Lab people and ordered FNAC biopsy to take up my cell in 2 parts... Left Neck and also Left axillary. Then the Female pathologist come.. and do the procedures and it re checked my breast [although already check by the surgeon].. she said something is lumpy at the Tail of the Left breast and dont know what is is. She asked for permission to take another sample of biopsy although not ordered by the surgeon. I agreed. Today.. I have 6 intrusive procedure of needle without Local aneatshesia apply to it. It was painful.. but I need to be strong for it.
Although the result is not yet confirmed... but I had prepared my mind for the worst case scenario of my diagnosis.. prognosis. And although I had to go through all the painful procedure again... i will have to be strong because I had my own reason and mission living in this world. I have my love one who are always there to support me and I know he loves me so much.. i need to be strong for him and my family too...
Just hope that, I will be strong and will write more...
